In the Heart of the Hopeless

I tried to write to you once

I tried to cry for you

But tears, like all else that belongs to this body

Are dried and useless

I try talking to you

I try talking about you

I …

I have written out our future in my head
(Prominent players being Happiness and Peace)

I try writing pretty words
(when all I want to do is scream)

I tried, damn I tried

But do you know how hard it is to love someone

When you have never been loved

Do you know how hard it is to show affection

When you have been shown none

Do you know how hard it is to feel beautiful

When you can only see yourself through someone else's eyes

Do you know how hard it is to have hope for the future

When your past is filled beyond capacity

With disdain and strife

Do you know what it is like to be an

Afterthought

I have sat in this same attitude for so long

I have forgotten all others

And though my bones have begun to ache

And my skin has begun to peel

I sit

Waiting for life's love to come and wash me away

I sit in this dimly light room

And through the slits of my blinds I watch life pass

And I wait

The tragedy being

I realized long ago that what I truly want

I can never obtain

Because what has been set cannot be unset

And though my soul thirsts for justice

I have no appetite revenge

And the will to set right what was once wronged

Died long long ago, somewhere between indifference and simplicity

And when you tell me to smile I smile

And when you tell me to laugh I laugh

All the while understanding that the light you bring

Is simply a distraction

And once you bore of me your distraction will flicker and falter

But

Here I will remain  

In this room on this bed

Staring at this ceiling

Covered with sweat, body shaking, head reeling

Trying to forget the nightmare that tears through my slumber

For twenty something years I have dreamed the same dream

And for twenty something years I have laid awake in this bed

Covered with sweat, body shaking, head reeling

Trying to forget the nightmare that tears through my slumber

I thought that if you lied next to me

I thought that if you held me

One night

I could sleep

I could sleep through

One night

But I was wrong

Because you never came to me

You never held me

And the nights go on